As much as we love our families, the holidays can be a time of tense confrontation around issues such as “coming out.” We may have to be ready for religious or psychological arguments, and the stress of wanting to “win” the conversation can be exhausting. It’s important to remember to approach the experience as an opportunity to learn more deeply about ourselves and our relationships.
At a recent PFLAG meeting in Kansas City, Dr. Robert Minor, PhD (with The Fairness Project), spoke about facing the holidays and “coming out” conversations. Dr. Minor is Professor Emeritus of Religious Studies at the University of Kansas and the author of When Religion Is an Addiction and Scared Straight: Why It’s So Hard to Accept Gay People and Why It’s So Hard to Be Human and Healthy in a Sick Society.
Dr. Minor outlined the 3Ps of conversation for telling your story to people you care about:
- Be present
- Be personal
- Be persistent
In order to be present with your family, you must know your triggers. Our culture abounds with religious and psychological abuse which feeds ALL of us, whether gay or straight, with generalized homophobia. Being aware of this allows you to know why the conversation is happening and to avoid getting triggered. You are in this to listen, not to fix anyone. Also, coming out is a process, not a product, and it is not always best to be out to everyone. Thus, be present, conscious and learn about yourself.
To be personal means to not blame anyone else. Bigotry uses impersonal statements and accusations such as those who use the Bible to argue. Simply respond with, “I know a lot of people interpret it that way, but I don’t.” It is emotions, not facts, that are the basis of prejudice. So tell your story in a believable way, ask questions to bring out personal responses and empathize with the mutual struggle to understand, rather than to change one another.
To be persistent means repetition. Repeating “No, I disagree” is enough. No explanation is necessary.
So, whether facing religious, psychological or general homophobic arguments, know your triggers, set your boundaries and use the 3Ps of conversation before you face your family during the holidays.
And remember, “Lead with Love.”
by Connie