It should not have taken seven decades to get comfortable in my own skin.

I grew up in the contentious 1960s as our culture shifted from Barbie Dolls and GI Joes to Star Wars and the intergalactic bar scene. My home was in Kansas, the anti-slavery line in the 1800’s and the birthplace of the Rainbow flag.

As a younger lesbian, before I even knew there were labels for the feelings I was having, I could have used an ally. But sixty years ago, there was no vocabulary and no open pathway for coming out. Indeed, such concepts had not yet entered the culture of my mid-western youth.

My heart was in a lonely, emotional cage throughout my life, and I ran away from my core being and true feelings. Without support, the path one can take can be deadly—from drugs to homelessness to cults to suicide. My self-loathing left me vulnerable, and a right-wing cult consumed me throughout the 70s, 80s and 90s. It was all an effort to “be normal” with the ill-guided belief that I would change. Not so. Even now, with marriage equality and more open conversation, shards of trauma remain.

I see clearly now how I buried my genuine self in religion and cultural expectations. It was a suffocating survival technique. I have so much work to do to not go down the “victim road” but rather to stand firm in my own knowing.

Thanks to all who came out before me and who genuinely accept me now, I can say “In ME I trust. It all started with the self-acceptance I learned from 15 years in AA and now from organizations like PFLAG. I am addressing the repressed anger I still harbor as I find, and become, an ally.

by Connie Runkel